Ive had a sobering experience thats reminded me how much work I still have to do on not rescuing other people at my expense. I started riding lessons before Easter. I loved my first lesson, loved the school, loved my horse, my teacher. But in my second lesson the teacher yanked my foot out of the stirrup and pushed my leg up at a horrible angle to adjust the stirrup. It hurt like hell, but then it seemed fine.
Until later. Obviously Id pulled something. Shed pulled something. It went from sore to incredibly sore to agony. I had to stop riding. 7 weeks and R2500 later, with more costs to come, Im finally just beginning to mend, but oh so slowly. At first I could take anti-inflammatories and pain killers, but they started interfering with the stuff I take for epilepsy and giving me convulsions at night. Charming. So I can to stop, which meant I cant stand for longer than a minute or so at a time and I cant sit.
So Ive been on my back in bed for over a week now. At least the nightly convulsions have stopped. Today I had to take an anti-inflammatory so I could drive to be x-rayd and thank God and the Universe its not a spinal injury. Just a muscular one, which means I have to be patient, do my physio exercises and stay strong in my head. No use playing the what-if game when youre stuck in bed and your world has kind of ground to a halt. No use fighting that either. I cant do computer work, but I can read and rest and edit my script and ebook and think. So thats what Im doing. Its kind of lonely, though. Youd think my riding teacher and the admin person would have done everything in their power to apologize, and try to help me feel better. Well, they did the opposite, they tried to make me feel guilty. I paid for 14 lessons upfront and have had 2. But when I first asked nicely for credit, I was reminded I signed an indemnity form saying that if I injured myself I absolved them of responsibility.
Dont remember a clause saying if the teacher injures me its my fault. When I explained that the teachers actions had injured me, I still tried to be nice about it. Big mistake. I got more of “its not our fault”. Okaay. Heres the sobering part. I doubted myself, and upped the “be nice” mode. Why do I do that? Its old stuff. Im afraid to say to somebody you hurt me. Every time Ive tried it significantly in my life Ive been as significantly nailed, or criticized for being aggressive. Theres still a part of me that so wants people to love me and like me and is so scared of being punished that I want to let it ride when somebody hurts me. I found myself in that mode. I just couldnt say this is bullshit. The teacher hurt me so please take responsibility. Instead I made a trillion excuses for them. It didnt make them be nicer to me, of course. In fact the teacher said the injury wasnt her fault because I came to the lesson with a sore back anyway.
Which I didnt. But I got confused. Were the drugs in my system messing with my head? Was I trying to make them pay for something that was really my responsibility? But how long can you be nice to somebody who doesnt give a damn that theyve hurt you? Fortunately, sanity returned. So I called up and said, the teacher is responsible and Id like credit for 12 lessons. End of story. I got the credit, but begrudgingly, almost spitefully, and only when I got aggressive. It was awful. The prophecy fulfilled. Stand up for yourself and you get punished. Its hard to explain why it was so painful. A really vulnerable part of me got exposed there. Ive missed everybody on SearchWarp like crazy. Today was the first day Ive been able to sit down for over a week, and its such a relief to post something, to make the connection again. Its only because I took that anti-inflammatory – and its starting to wear off already.
But at least Ive seen your faces and read a few status comments. And all is not lost. My muscles will recover and my life will get back on track. I will get back to riding and fulfilling this dream of connecting with a horse. And Ive learned a good lesson from sunnybank physiotherapist. The people who dont like me to stand up for myself I dont need them to like me or love me. I dont like them, and I dont want them in my world. So if I start standing up for myself all the time, in big things and small things, Ill whittle those people right out of my life. As for being nice to people who dont return the favor? Its enough now.